January 30, 2007
Attn: Hadrian Cc: who's reading
Don't you think it's actually quite selfish for Nam to not tell Mimi about his cancer and subsequently, not be informed of his death? Especially since he must have known that Mimi did love him. It's just that she's not ready to well, be with him.
It just occurred to me that Mimi is going to forever and ever believe that Nam chose to marry someone else and migrated and the most he could ever do for her is to send her a birthday message once every year. She most probably wouldn't be able to like anyone else or be with anyone else ever. 'Cos year after year, her love hinges and gets revived with that one miserable message.
I mean, it sounds romantic. Like, if you want to lie to me, make it a lie forever, then, I'd believe it as the truth. But, honestly, how long can we live a lie? The level of denial must be *open and stretch both arms* this high!
Disclaimer: Someday I might think differently of this. When I find myself living in a lie and fervently defending it in a state of denial.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:58
~ Randomly...
"Ang moh kia" was my mum's first response to my new hair colour+highlight.
I wanted red as base colour and purple as highlights. I'm wearing red as base colour and copper-blond as highlight now. Cos my hairdresser said purple won't contrast well with red unless I bleach it. But, bleached hair loses the colour faster and is much more damaging to the hair. I trusted her and took up her suggestion. 'Cos the last time I loved my hair colour, it was thanks to her good recommendation too.
And, of course, I love my new hair colour now! The best thing about it is that it's considered CHEAP when compared to what Wenn paid for her colouring job (Opps, sorry, darling, to remind u of the heartache). My hairdresser said the colour accentuates my very nice (and expensive) haircut from -x- (dun wanna do free advert here since they are not likely to charge me any less). I agree!
haha...
xxx
It's a totally different feeling I harbour towards tomorrow as compared to Dec 2005 and for that matter, May 2006 too.
Dec 2005... I left PL because of so many reasons. Reasons that I know made a lot of sense to me then but are totally silly and irrelevant now. I left quietly, and in a semi-hidden-away manner. I will always regret how the management handled the leaving of their staff. Not just me. But also, prior to me, and subsequently after me. I will always remember how I sat in the school hall, talking to Chung Khian and waiting for CJ, Zie and Kay to be done so we can walk out of the school together, for the last time as colleagues. I also remember the people I took photo with when they started to filter out of the staff room and came to bid me good wishes. Photos that I've been waiting for the whole of last year and I haven't got them till now. I dreaded that last day. I just tried to convince myself it was the right decision (and it was, in some ways, I do believe). And I still miss the work I did there, from time to time. I still miss the children, from time to time. I still miss the time we had when 'carefree' was an apt word to describe us. Yes, I miss the mass dance too.
'That thing you do' 'This love' 'Superstar' 'Speed of sound' 'Just a ride' and of course 'Dreams do come true'
May 2006... I left NIE (LSL) because ostensibly, my job there was done. But, honestly, I couldn't wait to leave. The place, too damn far. The work, too damn boring and hazardous to my hearing and sanity. The colleagues, too 'individual'. The boss, too cranky and idealistic. But, I was resigning into unemployment again and the mentality to join MOE (which, we know by now, was a temporary illusionary escape). I procrastinated for one whole month before finally applying to teach. Inconspicuous omen. I miss the mango from canteen 2. Ok. I miss the cheap canteen food.
Jan 2007... I'm leaving MOE! Er... !!!!!!!!!! And joining my new company the very next day. Research. Something I've wanted to try my hands on since graduating from uni. And an old colleague as a new colleague! Er... !!!!!!!!!! That's better. LSSSSS reunites with PPGMCE! Kick ass!
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:10
~ Randomly...
I went to watch the movie, Happy Birthday, with Hadrian today. It was ok. It started out pretty romantic. I meant, the idea of keeping someone by your side by not being in a love relationship with him. Because 'soul mates' last longer than lovers. Not entirely true, but not untrue too.
But, as the story progressed, it felt pointless. Especially when both Mimi and Nam were so clearly in love with none other but each other. If Mimi was waiting for her insecurities to clear, I think the wait was futile. Not only because Nam died in the end, without her knowing, anyway. But also because, I think to be able to trust someone with your insecurities would be far more meaningful than to be in some form of denial about how you feel about him. And I, too, don't understand why Nam had to lie to Mimi about him being married and migrated when in fact, he's just slowly dying of cancer.
Ok. Maybe I understand. But I just don't believe in the existence of such a man, or such a person, or well, such a love story. What started out as a romantic notion slowly became unconvincing to me.
I agree with what Mimi's friend said.
一段感情如果等得太久，是会变味的。
I think we all desire to be loved.
xxx
The song that Mimi and Nam were singing, a few times, throughout the show... I happened to hear it again, from the HK series that I'm semi-hooked on now, on cable TV. The lyrics keep getting to me. And it's because of the lyrics that I recognised the song as the same one from the movie.
So, I resolved to find the lyrics for this particular song tonight. Without even knowing the title or the singer. But... ha! I'm resourceful and smart. So... here goes...
有多少爱可以重来 -- 黄仲昆
常常责怪自己 当初不应该
常常后悔 没有把你留下来
为什么明明相爱到最后还是要分开
是否我们总是俳徊在心门之外
谁知道又和你相聚在人海
命运如此安排 总叫人无奈
这些年过得不好不坏
只是好像少了一个人存在
而我渐渐明白 你仍然是我不变的关怀
有多少爱可以重来
有多少人愿意等待
当懂会珍惜以后回来
却不知那份爱会不会还在
有多少爱可以重来
有多少人值得等待
当爱情已经桑田沧海
是否还有勇气去爱
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:26
January 28, 2007
~ Randomly...
I do have to do this. Spend more time at home. Spend more time being alone. What Hadrian calls 'quality time with yourself'.
I saw it coming so I have to do this. Keep myself occupied. Keep myself distracted, engaged, whatever.
Begins for a week, next week. Then, April. Then, June. For that many, many miles. Between us. When you will get to acquaint with autumn in the orient and I will hopefully, be settling down well in the all-already-too-familiar Raffles Place, strolling around for some surprises every other day.
Meisen sent me a photo of Lyon. Courtesy of Dack. Yes, I will use that as my wallpaper soon. Right now, I'm using the blue road photo she sent me too. I keep changing my wallpapers, depending on the mood I'm in.
xxx
I asked if she thinks it would be a scary thing to realise that she's needy of her partner, doesn't even know for sure if she loves him, but realises that she needs him around.
And she replied, no. It would be a natural process, she said. And remember (I do, but thanks for reminding me), she is looking for someone whom she can't live without rather than someone whom she can live with?
But, I also remember she hated to be dependent. She dislikes the feeling of being dependent. Then, is there some kind of reconciliation between the natural process and the dislike for dependence?
I don't know... but I asked because I wanted to know if it's scary for people to start feeling that they need their partner around and if that feeling makes them start a sort of mechanism to be resistant to that need and hence, their partner? The so-called 'freedom'?
I wanted to know because I wondered if the disappearance of anyone has ever or will ever make me felt irrecoverably lost.
xxx
Up to this point, I just try not to let things bother me too much. Even my dreams. They don't. Even if I try to recall, record and then, blog about it. I dream. I wake up. I blog. And then, it's another kind of reality here. And as I climb under the covers, the whole plot unfolds again along almost identical paths.
It becomes like a straight pencil line on a piece of old, scratchy paper. And as long as the line keeps growing, it doesn't seem to matter if the beginning of this line dissolves into the paper, hardly to be seen.
And occasionally, just very seldom now, I get a little upset, a little low. But, I get tired too, at the end of each day. And I sleep. Well. And, like I said, the whole plot refreshes and unfolds again.
xxx
Thank you. For checking in on me, still. Really appreciate it.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:38
January 27, 2007
~ Randomly...
If it's your time to leave, will you take me with you? Please?
Fuck! I demand! Take me with you!
p.s. in response to Kyn's recent blog entry.
Someone we all know is waiting at the end of this jagged pavement...
xxx
Last week, it felt like I had a new bedroom. Today, I've a new house!
Repainted my living room with my mum, sisters and jasmine's bf. I think it's good for toning the arms. Especially painting the ceiling.
xxx
I could have had my last day of service with the ministry as yesterday, which means I'd definitely be much happier today, had it not been for the year-end bonus. As a result of acquiring Saintnity, my last day of service is next Wed.
Apple said, if it got so bad at work the last few days of work, next week, I should start stroking my notebook and say, 'It's all because of you... everything I do, I do it for you.' Then, like... 'myyyy prrreeeciiioooussssss....'
Gnarl....
xxx
Kept wanting to get Bblics out to that Jap restaurant to have hot green tea with shochu (at least, that's what I think it is...). And we kept wanting to go for ice-cream. Except the weather is not very nice to head outdoors and just chill outdoors at gardens, eating ice-cream.
She had her green tea ice-cream herself just now, I think. While I was helping to paint the ceiling of my sister's room.
xxx
Since some unknown time ago, I started
1. snacking on chocolate (and actually keeping some stock of the chocolates I like in my fridge, and in Apple's fridge, hee)
2. having craving for ice-cream (find myself eating more ice-cream these days than in the past, all those homemade ice-cream cafes...)
3. to enjoy watching DVDs on my notebook in my bedroom (and picking up Cantonese from the HK series I'm re-watching now)
4. to see very little difference between a weekend and a weekday (I stay home most of the time, if I'm not working or not at tuition)
5. to discipline myself to exercise at least twice a week (so far, so good... it's working)
6. to be afraid of going to movies by myself and yet, not wanting to join my colleague (a movie buff) for movies everytime she asks
7. to sleep earlier and get 7 to 9 hours of sleep everyday
xxx
These few days, I kept thinking of some words from a poem that Meisen wrote for me last year:
'I break my heart like first communion
So, eat of this, drink of this. This is me.'
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:41
January 25, 2007
Dreams - My other reality
I was at either a lunch or a dinner with someone. Don't remember who. But, then, we made our way to have coffee and dessert. I was with Snow, Fiona, Annie, Haonian and Kay. We were making small talk.
Next, I found myself at home. I was waiting for Kay to come back to my house. Don't know where she went. I was waiting for her to have dinner together. Then, when she came back to my house, she said she was going home. Her own house.
I was super pissed. I flared up at her. And she said she, quote unquote, created something in me. I thought that was rubbish because I didn't know what the hell she was talking about. So I told her she was talking rubbish. Then, I scolded her. Because I was waiting for her to have dinner and then, she wanted to just go home.
We had a sort of fight. I was raising my voice and pushing her away when she tried to hold me and get me to calm down.
Then, she told me something like, she wanted to like me again, wanted to have the feeling of missing me again (???). I told her, not in an entirely calm voice, that she has a girlfriend already. And, quote unquote, the person she should miss is her girlfriend. And that girlfriend is not me!
At this time, I noticed my parents and Jasmine were in the room too. They were casting suspicious glances at both of us quarreling. I decided to just send Kay home.
On the way, she told me she thought she was distracted. Ostensibly, distracted during the time when we were together. I told her that I agreed. And that she just lost focus. But it seemed like we finished our earlier fight and were behaving quite amicably now.
We were walking at this street that had rows of shophouses. There were McDonald's, Burger King outlet and this Nantucket Fried Chicken (what happened to Kentucky? hee) outlet. I was thinking to myself, when did this place change so much that even I didn't know.
There was Ben and Jerry's too. We stopped outside the Ben and Jerry's counter. Looked at the flavours and had a tasting. There was Cherry Garcia (I think I got this from Snow's msn nic that day), peanuts... and one flavour called 'Huese Double Chocolate' (Huese? Maybe from the Hermann Hesse I was reading prior to sleep?). I tried this Macademia nuts and raisins one. Not bad!
So, we were tasting the flavours. Then, I told Kay that I received a Christmas card from Shreen. And she told me she gave my number to Michelle a few days ago (which is true, cos Michelle msged me).
We were still trying out flavours when I decided that I should wake up. And almost immediately, I did.
A very long and detailed dream. I woke up quite immediately, that's why I could remember this much.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 10:46
January 24, 2007
Dreams - My other reality
I think it was a chalet of sort. An apartment chalet. There were Anna, Ade, Wenn and Desmond (?!), and many others that I couldn't recall. We were watching a movie that was in fact, very boring and most of us were not interested in finishing it at all.
Wenn gave me a book as a gift when she met up with us. Inside the book, there was the lyrics of a few songs. And it was written on the book that she would be leaving for Shanghai on the 9th March (which she, after I told her, said it's not likely).
Anna was outside the chalet. She was putting up a flea market. Selling all kinds of accessories and zo-cards. Someone was buying zo-cards from her. She was selling her wedding gown too! There was even a display of jewellery. To be specific, Lee Hwa Jewellery.
I found all of us downstairs, at this big open space. We were waiting to watch a movie or something. Then, lots of people started rushing from our right. We figured something must have happened. Or, we didn't want to be part of the crowd. We started to make our way back to the chalet.
Ade and me were the last to move off. Except, we left Desmond there. Somehow, he was immobile and he couldn't move off with us. So, we left him some entertainment stuff for him to keep himself occupied. Then, we made our way back to the chalet.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 10:37
January 23, 2007
Dreams - my other reality
I was getting ready for work in the morning. I wore a pair of capri pants. Even though I knew it's unaccepted at work. I think I was still working in school. After I stepped out, I decided to change into something else. And then, I knew I was going to be late for work. But, I didn't care. I changed into something else. Then, I went to work with my sister, Janet. We went to work by train. Not the MRT kind of train, but the kind of train that takes you through fields and tunnels. The kind of train that one takes to go from say, Paris to Lyon. It felt like a long journey.
The next scene, I was at some kind of class. It seemed like a culinary class. There were many other students, but I can't recall who. I was truly tired in my dream. I fell asleep halfway through the class. Apparently, the instructor overshot her lesson. She was still going on and on despite the dismissal time passed.
I fell asleep and someone said to not wake me up. The instructor felt apologetic that her class was so long and well, dreary that I fell asleep. But someone explained to her that it's because I was tired. Because I had to wake up very early in the morning to work.
Then, I woke up soon after. And true enough, I felt very tired this morning when I woke up.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 17:20
January 22, 2007
~ Layer by layer...
I try not to think about an email that made me feel indignant for the past 4 days. Because the more I think about it, the more I seem to realise that it was never an issue of 'growing up' or 'freedom'.
The issue that was so obscurely hidden was a lack of readiness to commit, and hence, a lack of commitment. And maybe, the warped pursue of a totally warped kind of reality.
But, you know what, I try to tell myself I'm going through (yet another) transition. And I try not to think about it. I try to let each day pass. After all, I've replied the email. Good enough.
But, I'm supposed to keep to my resolution of telling people how I feel when I feel it. So, if you really want to know what I'm thinking behind this attempt to not think about it... Currently, my thought is 'you can rot in hell.' For now.
So... is this realistic then?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:18
~ Randomly...
The atmosphere in my house for the past half hour has been excited by this black bird (it's not a crow, not a sparrow) who decided to park itself on the windowsill of my sis's bedroom. It got all of us, including Hugo and Neyney, excited and apprehensive at the same time.
The bird was allegedly injured and hence, we tried to accomodate it in a carton with offering of leftover rice. Turned out it was feeling perfectly fine, except possibly, annoyed at our kind attempt to 'save' it. I think it just enjoyed the air outside Jasmine's bedroom. Cos when we tried to chase it away, it simply refused to.
Quite funny. How my sisters started communicating with it. In Chinese, 'jiang3 niao3 hua4'. In Hokkien, 'gong2 jiao2 wei3'.
And then, when my Dad woke up from the commotion we were making, he asked why we were all so frantic and scared. It's just a bird!
And the reply was... 'bird flu!'
Bit scary. If I come down with a flu the next few days, it bodes ill. That will be a totally unexpected way to meet Dream's sister.
xxx
Started my Bahasa Indo class, intermediate level, today. As much as it was getting confusing, it was getting challenging dealing with awalan (prefix) and akhiran (suffix). Thank goodness, the grammar that all my ibus taught me during uni was not lost on me.
xxx
It feels like I just changed my bedroom. I spent the whole Sunday repainting my bedroom with my mum and my sis, Janet.
There are 3 walls of bright lime green. Very refreshing. And 1 wall of white+bright lime green. Why lime green, is because it's leftover from painting Janet's bedroom. Why white+bright lime green, is because my mum decided there wasn't enough white paint to finish that whole wall. So, I had to think on my toes and decided to have this white+green wall. And after that, added strokes of green on the old paint colour (blue) to create this grass-against-sky-and-clouds effect.
haha! And after rearranging the furniture a little, ta-da! My pretty new bedroom.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:51
January 21, 2007
~Randomly...
Thank you for reminding me that I could call if I needed to talk. Soon, it might be too expensive to call you. But this night, I needed my solitude.
xxx
That must be the first time I actually thought of how it might feel to die. I toy with the concept of death every often. But, mostly, they are just passing thoughts. But, just now, I stood combing my hair in front of my full length mirror and thought, for more than just passing, how it is like to kill myself. And, then, who would be the people I would be letting down.
Because Prof Chua chided Meisen for lending me The Year of Magical Thinking when I was feeling depressed, and made her feel responsible if I were to commit suicide, the first person I thought who might feel horrible if I commit suicide, was Meisen. Poor elv.
But then, Wenn asked, didn't I feel like my life is refreshing to a new page. And I told her, I just feel like living a solitary life this year. A lot of night jogs, basking in the swimming pool; a lot of nights at home just writing, or revising my Bahasa Indo; a lot of nights re-watching some Hong Kong series Dvds; and a lot of hanging around with my parents and my sisters. And the two handsome dogs.
Feel like taking a rest.
xxx
I look forward to babysitting Nat again! I want to see her playing 'Catch' with my dogs!
xxx
Something woke up the sarcasm in me. I suddenly remembered 'sarcastic' was a word often used by my schoolmates to describe me. In secondary school and college. Way before 'bitchy', and way before 'strong'.
It felt very familiar. The ability to make sarcastic remarks.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:28
January 19, 2007
~Randomly...
I went to Anna's house to watch the edited video of her wedding day. That's also my debut performance as door bitch in the gatecrash. Pretty entertaining. Splattering of naturally-accented Mandarin and the plastic fan that Ade passed to me. 3.5 star for entertainment; 3 star for bitchiness. Because I can be way more bitchy, most other days.
All these weddings I've attended (and it's only 2 last year, vis-a-vis 3 this year) are making me feel 1. old; 2. envious; 3. touched. And they seem to restore a little faith in a relationship or even a marriage, even if only for a short while.
xxx
We went to see Anna off at the airport today. To London. The inevitable result of Victor's job posting.
When we were in sec sch, her dream career was to be an air stewardess. So that she can be paid to travel for work. I guess, aside from Wenn, she's the other one in the group who's been travelling quite a fair bit. As close as she can get to her dream career from those younger days. Yet, she said she thinks this would be the last time.
I never had a dream career. Not even in those younger days. Hmm.
xxx
I don't know what exactly it was, from the conversation we had this morning, slacking at McDonald's, that got me pretty upset and depressed for the whole of the afternoon. Till I cried. Till I got into my mood of indifference again. Till I dragged my feet to the classes that I was relief teaching today.
It felt like the path of possibilities that I told you about, it's not there anymore. I don't know where I am anymore. Thrown right back into my limbo stage.
I disciplined myself enough to make my way to the cc for my cardio class. I was in the toilet cubicle, supposedly changing into my exercise gear. Then, I lost that discipline. I told myself I would go jogging alone instead. So I did.
I must be getting fitter. Because I jogged for an hour. And, according to the directory map of Bishan Park, I jogged around 4km. I think that's bloody commendable. *pats myself on the back*
And, I had a total of 4 full meals today. Consisting of 1 breakfast, 1 lunch, 1 early dinner, 1 supper.
I have a feeling my legs are gonna ache tomorrow. Nice. At least, pain feels real.
xxx
This thing about real and not real. Damn it. It's damn ridiculous.
xxx
'People think dreams aren't real because they aren't made of matter, of particles. Dreams are real. But they are made of viewpoints, of images, of memories and puns and lost hopes.'
Passengers, The Sandman Library: Preludes and Nocturnes.
I told you, both are real. Reality and dreams. Equally real.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:50
January 17, 2007
~ Layer by layer...
I don't have a tendency to read textbook. In fact, the one that I'm reading now (Methods in Social Research), I'm reading it cos it's an alternative way to kill time at work. Even though I know I won't remember much as soon as I reach the end cover. I bring my novels to work too. I alternate between textbook and novel.
I hardly consider everything I read intellectual. I don't think I'm stupid. But I don't think I'm so intellectual and intelligent too. I think I still will fall asleep halfway through most of my hons year required readings. Those are intellectual. But hey, I will endeavour that reading on Freud again. When I'm done with Methods in Social Research. Ha!
And lastly, the book that I just finished reading, 'The History of Love', is a novel. A damn good story.
So, you see... my point is, if you think I'm intelligent and only read books that make me think (even more), *deh* wrong impression.
Tomorrow, I bring the Sandman that I borrowed from Kay to work. Yay! hehe...
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:28
~ Randomly...
Why we never quarrelled is because...
we are not unreasonable,
we can appreciate differences,
we have enough common interests,
we share similar world view,
we believe in 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you',
we consider each other's feelings and the right to have those feelings,
we give each other the benefit of the doubt,
we are not aggressive,
we care for each other,
we believe there is a better way to handle conflicts (if there is any),
we are pretty non-confrontational,
we love each other enough to want to hear each other out without being judgemental,
and etc.
xxx
When it happens, I hope I know it's happening. I hope I will be able to know when's the last breath before it happens. I hope I won't be alone when it happens. I don't even want to be asleep, in any dreams. I want to be in the arms of someone I love - a close friend or the one I love. I hope I have the time to write letters to each of those who had mattered before it happens. That probably means that it can't happen suddenly. I need time to write. I hope I will be able to remember for the last time, my last thought and feeling before it happens. I hope I remember to smile as it happens.
My 20 minute fascination with my death, as I sat in the physical waiting for the bus to take me home.
xxx
CJ: Need or want?
Me: Wants! I have a lot of wants. (think: new watch, new bag, new skirts, new swimsuit, new jogging shoes...) No needs. I only need a boyfriend or a girlfriend. (laughs)
CJ: You have part-time ones now.
Me: Ya. A lot of part-time ones.
xxx
I don't need promises. I don't need expectations. I don't need strength. I don't need pretense. I don't need for anyone to think on my behalf about what I'm doing with my life.
For now, I need possibilities. Just possibilities.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 21:56
January 16, 2007
~ Randomly...
YAY!
Editing comments feature next!
*special note to Kyn: u were supposed to help me revamp the look of my blog last dec. Know what, FVB, I did it... WITHOUT you!
*special note to Kay: Thanks for the inspiration! haha...
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:24
Randomly...
Ok. I'm testing out my new blogskin... after I've edited the html, by observing the pattern, trial and error and keep previewing...
I'm still at nowhere with the comments thingy... but other than that, I'm quite happy as it is... let's see...
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:18
January 15, 2007
Randomly...
I'm changing my blog skin! Finally. But, I just need to test out how to archive my past entries... and the font is wayyy too small for some of my OLDer friends to read comfortably, ye? Hmm...
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 19:17
Randomly...
I am in office. The one that I have increasingly ceased to be visible in, unless a teacher is needed to relief another by means of babysitting 40 apes. Brought my notebook along today.
I saw this
cartoon online. But, due to my ignorance in posting pictures on my blog, here's the text:
"Could you tell me where I am? Not geographically - but in an existentialist way."
xxx
Beautiful sun. After 3 days of rain. Swimming?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 11:35
January 13, 2007
Layer by layer...
I had this really nice cup of hot tea with milk at this hawker centre near the school yesterday. It was raining the whole day. The really nice hot tea with milk made the weather warm up.
As I passed the coffee stall, I stopped and told the auntie that she made really good tea with milk. Auntie smiled, nodded her head, as if she hears that all the time or knows that all along.
But, I hope what I said made the weather warm up a little for her as well too.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 17:50
Randomly...
We tried to meet for dinner yesterday. She was supposed to arrange for what she called a 'guest appearance'.
But, after I finished my class at the CC at 8.30pm, she said it was, quote unquote, not looking good. 'It' being meeting up for dinner. She was still at work. And was, until she called me at 1am to complain.
I went shopping while waiting for her and spent a couple red notes, fresh from payday.
It turned out that the guest appearance was Weiyun. When she called me, she claimed that it was cos I was mad at Weiyun over the time she last-minutely cancelled our appointment to go out drinking. And she said she wanted to be the mediator so that I will still have Weiyun as an option to ask out in case I get too lonely in the near future.
Well? Haha.
Suddenly, I see this super sweet and thoughtful girl who is my jaded best friend. I laughed and thanked her for going to such great length to make sure I feel less lonely when she's 2361.9 miles away from me. So sweet.
I'm over Weiyun already. I mean, I'm over being pissed with her already.
I wish you have less of those 'instant diet' routine. You need to take better care of yourself, darling.
xxx
My abs hurt a lil from the class yesterday. Arms and thighs, a slight ache. Pain is so real. Like words.
Am registering for Bahasa Indonesia class, intermediate level. The time ought to come when I give myself a pat on the back for being able to conduct a fluent conversation with an Indonesian without telling them to 'tolong, cakap lebih pelan-pelan...' Hee
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 17:36
Dreams - My other reality
There was a riot. I was walking alone on the streets. There was heavy patrolling by the police and the military police. Like a scene taken out of Channel News Asia footage of riots in Indonesia. And I was walking alone, trying to make my way back to join my family at where we were putting up. I think we were on some kind of holiday there.
Some of these rioters tried to stop me. Some of the police too. Then, I just shouted that I was a tourist. And, amazingly, they left me alone. I was even able to walk into this shop that sold bird's nest. I went in to get some souvenirs for my parents. I chose some bird's nest. Then, I remembered I only had 300 dollars to spend. So, I bought 4 bottles of this bird's nest that cost 70dollars each. And, that added up to 280 dollars. And I remember dividing this amount by 5. So as to know how much it cost in Singapore dollars. So, I guess I must be in a country where the exchange rate is 1SGD to 5dollars.
Hong Kong? China?
xxx
I was on a holiday. Somewhere. I think I was with a few friends. Vaguely, I remember Apple and Zikai. Where we were stayin was something like a shophouse. But, this shophouse was on the edge of land. Meaning, from one window, you could see the road. But from another side window, you could see the sea just below.
There was someone else who was with me. Vaguely, it was Kay. But, yet, it wasn't quite her. But it was a girl, all right.
(This is similar to that earlier dream where I vaguely know there's someone else who seemed to be Kay, but yet, I know she's not exactly her.)
I got her to go to the window. The window that faced the sea. We stood there for awhile, watching the sunset. It was lovely. It was the feeling one gets when one shares something spectacularly breath-taking with the one one loves.
Then, she suddenly realised something. And had to go tell the other people who were with us.
The next thing I know, there seemed to be an intruder. Some kind of a break-in. Everyone was in a sort of panic. I was still thinking what had happened when Zikai came to me and showed me a broken mosquito coil. He said that was proof of an intruder. A broken mosquito coil.
I remember thinking, this is getting ridiculous. But, I told him to be careful.
Towards the end of this, it suddenly occurred to me that the person I was watching the sunset with had changed into a man. Not a girl anymore.
And I don't seem to know who he/she is after I woke up.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 17:10
January 11, 2007
Layer by layer...
I'm more afraid of dead cockroaches than live, scurrying ones, unless they are super big. And I'm afraid of flying cockroaches.
I'm superbly afraid of the golden beetle. That kind that flies into your living room from time to time, making this horrible sound as they bump into walls or the light.
I'm afraid of bees. Period.
Actually, you know what, I dislike insects, as a whole specie. Creepy crawlies.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:40
January 10, 2007
Randomly...
This is what I just told Wenn 'Pensive is a word often misused on me. When people think that I'm thinking when I'm just not.'
This is from dictionary.com -->
Pensive, meditative, reflective suggest quiet modes of apparent or real thought.
Pensive, the weakest of the three, suggests dreaminess or wistfulness, and may involve little or no thought to any purpose:
a pensive, faraway look. Meditative involves thinking of certain facts or phenomena, perhaps in the religious sense of “contemplation,” without necessarily having a goal of complete understanding or of action:
meditative but unjudicial.
Reflective has a strong implication of orderly, perhaps analytic, processes of thought, usually with a definite goal of understanding:
a careful and reflective critic.Little or no thought to any purpose... ok. I guess it's not so misused then.
xxx
This is the appendix to my answer to your question (which was my question to begin with) this afternoon...
If you get married, I will not be disappointed because I foresee your bride will be me. If that's not the case, then, I will be devastated. But I will be happy... to kidnap you.
^5, bblics!
xxx
It's one of those life's best moments when you have talks with your bestest friend, even better when the talks get crazy out of sheer, shared boredom.
And you turn around and find your mom lying on your bed, smiling. The effect of an earlier old movie that she caught on cable tv. Contagious laughter, contagious happiness.
Today has turned out to be a tis-is-betta-than-i-thought day.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:56
Randomly...
My Chinese name's tan3 xing4. 'tan' as in honest. 'xing' as in almond. According to my dad, the almond plant is a super useful plant. But, since the internet makes information so accessible, I did a search on the properties of almond.
It is, indeed, a very useful and beneficial plant. Used externally, the oil of almonds is good for hydrating the skin, as a form of emollient and has a calming effect on skin burns. Taken orally, it is good for treating inflammations of digestive and urinary tracts, fever and cough, and lightly laxative. Marzipan is made of almond and is commonly made to fight cold during Christmas in the Mediterranean.
But what I found most interesting is that, it can only be taken orally when it's fully riped. Almond contains amygdaline, which turns into hydrocyanic acid when it comes into contact with liquids such as saliva. And hydrocyanic acid, like it sounds, is a very strong poison. And the time that it's well riped is in the middle of September. Like my birthday!
I bet my dad didn't know this last piece of information. haha!
I digressed.
Honesty and the properties of almond were not the primary reason for naming me. My dad took the trouble to consult the almanac before even thinking of the two words 'tan' and 'xing'.
He explained, when I was much younger (and I remember it till now), that out of the five elements that the Chinese believed in for purpose of harmony, my birth time was SERIOUSLY abundant with water. Everything else (fyi, it's metal, wood, fire, earth) was in good order. Just that I had wayyyyy too much water. So! The character 'tan' is actually made up of earth (tu) and dawn or sun rise (dan); and 'dan' actually has 'ri' (sun) in it. The character 'xing' is actually made up of wood (mu) and mouth (kou).
So, you see. Every part in the characters of my Chinese name are there for a good reason - to absorb water, evaporate water, grow by means of water and consume water. The love of a father! He must be damn scared that my life will just end by means of drowning in the abundance of water attributed by my birth time.
Maybe it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. But, I'm really no good in water bodies. I've learnt (forced to do so in sec sch n JC) swimming twice. I know all the strokes in theory and I managed to swim a grand length of 3 metres when my coach forced me to. But that's really about all.
Whenever I say 'I went swimming', what I really meant is, I went to the swimming pool and bask in the pool, did some kicking, some arms exercises, some stretching, period.
And I always believe that one day, given the fact that Singapore is merely an island, and natural disasters are quite unpredictable, I might just die the way that my dad tried so hard to save me from.
Then, it would be like... Ahhhh.... what the?!??!
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 17:52
Dreams - My other reality
My mentor teacher and I were at a hawker centre. We were eating. The next table sat Anna and someone. I can't remember who it was. They were drinking beer. My mentor teacher asked if I would like to order beer too. Tiger beer. The selection was limited. I said ok.
Our beer came. This aunty who served us our beer just poured the beer into this two chilled mugs vertically. Not like from the side. I remember thinking, aunty doesn't know how to serve beer correctly.
Then, somehow, we found out that Anna and whoever-was-with-her was drinking Tsing Dao beer.
Then, the end.
xxx
My mum and me, we were busy preparing for something. Preparing to go out. I got ready a present. A gold chain and some jewellery.
I later came to know where we were going. We were invited to dinner by Kay's parents. It was her parents' wedding anniversary. They invited my mum and I.
My mum told me it was not a good idea to give jewellery to people older than me as gifts. I remember thinking, then what?
Then, the end.
xxx
It was only me. And I received a sms from Wenn. I think it was the time when she was about to leave for Shanghai for work.
The sms said something like, she realised that she's very close to me. I could almost detect a hint of unwillingness to leave from the sms. I remember feeling quite moved.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 17:40
January 07, 2007
Dreams - My other reality
Dreamt of Apple, Wenn and me. At the greenhouse of the church. We were trying to decorate the greenhouse. And everyone was feeling the pressure. Wenn was frowning. Apple was unhappy about something. There was hardly any exchange of words. Then, Wenn walked out of the greenhouse. And Apple was still unhappy.
xxx
It was in the multi-media room. Some sort of a meeting. A presentation. Kay was presenting something. But this lady, I don't know who, was criticising it. She was launching a personal attack.
Then, I stood up. And faced the lady. And told her to stop insulting my girlfriend. The lady was dumb-founded. So were most of the other faces in the dream. Like, as if they were all taken aback by the revelation that I'm a lesbian.
Then, I told them that I was a lesbian and so what? And that she had better stop insulting Kay just cos she's not straight. 'Cos I'm not too.
Quite funny, now that I think of the whole situation, if it had happened in real life.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:05
Randomly...
It's not that I don't know something is wrong with 'I'm everything not who you thought I am'. haha. Thanks, meisen-needs-a-grammar-manual(?!?!).
But, somehow, 'I'm not everything that you thought I am' and 'I'm everything you thought I'm not' just doesn't seem to convey what I wanted to express.
I'd work on it later...
xxx
Just last week, I was still having lunch at Anna's wedding. And getting stressed smses from stressed Apple about her wedding dinner that was to take place in 5 hours' time.
It feels like a long time ago.
I'm really glad everything went on smoothly at Apple's wedding. And that I had a great part in every detail of it too. It was a lot of fun, after the stress and confusion clears out.
And it was very gratifying to see how relieved and happy she was in her bridal suite after the whole dinner. Though I must have looked really stoned, with Kyn's arm slung around my neck, equally stoned and cold.
I love the express highlight too! Looking forward to view the 2 hours long edited video of the whole wedding!
xxx
It must have been ages, more than 10 years, to be precise, since we last had such a long chat. Zikai's changed, aged. So have I. What else is new?
But our chat gave me some new insight into what exactly is a relationship? And, most importantly, I realised that he's probably as steadfast as he was (if not more) in loving someone.
I'm beginning to think, maybe I didn't interpret my feeling wrongly. Maybe, like so many of my friends, who just got married, told me... (not in verbatim) "You just know it when you've met the right person. You just know that if you don't hold onto it, you will miss the boat and it will never retun."
He and me, we seem to be in the same sort of boat. Except he's working on nothing to begin with, not even sailing, but just waiting for the person to decide to come onto the boat with him.
Me, I'm sailing to nowhere. Not exactly. I sail very far, in my dreams. And all of you have been sailing alongside me. In this blog.
xxx
Wenn, Apple and I were on Apple's bed, with the lil girl we were helping to babysit. Apple's flower gal, Nat.
Wenn was sleeping, lightly. Apple and I were playing with Nat. Keeping her entertained. She's so lovable when she smiled and looked at me, "Can you help me?" I gave her a hand to pull her up onto the bed.
Apple said I was talking crap when I frantically told Nat, "Quick! Come up! The sharks are coming!" And she really climbed up onto the bed, quite frantically too. It was funny! But, that's what my sisters and I used to play too, when we were young. Imagined adventures. What's crappy about that?
But, as we played with Nat, on the big comfy bed, and woke Wenn up by getting Nat to sing, I thought, that was really such a simple and honest kind of happiness. I was with my closest friends, doing nothing except to sing along with a 2 year old girl (Apple's reminder that we are 2 chinese zodiac cycles OLDER than her).
"Itsy bitsy spider..."
xxx
Apple said she's afraid at the thought of aging and dying. And that she wants to die before Wenn and I did. Then, Wenn said it's not likely. She said 'cos she's dying soon, maybe tomorrow. And I thought, 'ya, me too...'
You really can't blame me for having morbid thoughts when I have them as my close friends.
xxx
Kyn is the one who keeps telling me not to doubt her. From the beginning till now. Even till now.
I see a little bit of Kay in Kyn, really.
Apple once asked, if even Kyn feels she's like Kay and that under***d gf is like me, then how come Kyn and me never fell in love?
That will be, the nightmare of the century.
(Because Kyn will drive me mad at the dinner table... when she picks out all the food that she doesn't like to eat and that would be just about everything...)
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 13:54
January 05, 2007
Randomly...
Saintnity has embarked on her first voyage this morning. To here, where I'm blogging from now. My soon-to-be-previous workplace.
Apple said if I bring my notebook to work, doing my own things, other teachers may think I'm 'yaya'. So blatantly doing my own stuff while they are busy settling down with their new classes and new duties.
But, what's the bloody difference? I've been reading my textbook (and dozing off) and staring into space for the past 2 days.
And more often than not, my thoughts wandered to how are my dear friends in Pathlight doing with their new kids in class. I miss being part of the action there. So, then, I get upset n slightly depressed.
Saintnity's mission here is to distract me enough till I can leave on the dot, again.
xxx
Been meeting Apple and Shaun for past 2 days. Went to her house to demonstrate the cooking of french beans with oyster sauce and boneless chicken thigh (pre-seasoned) for dinner on Wed and then, went shopping with her yesterday.
When Wenn leaves small island for dragon's land in Feb (i'm still in semi-denial stage about it, so not feeling dread yet), I'm going to be even more lonely than I am now.
Maybe I will just leech onto Apple and have Shaun thank me for having his wife in my care and company while he goes Toys R Us with Arthur...
xxx
Anna's leaving for London soon too.
Here is too small for all of us, and our dreams, to stay together...
xxx
Bought 2 books, 1 KTV DVD, 1 dress and 1 top in just this week.
So, does retail therapy work? Not really. Not really, for me.
xxx
Everything's really illuminated. Or more illuminating. But only on hindsight.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 09:18
Dreams - My other reality
There was a little boy. Someone was carrying him. His name was Timothy (Anna's nephew?).
I was at a strange place. It's like a shopping centre, with a lot of stairs. But most of the shops were not open. I was not alone. I was with some other people but I don't know who.
I found myself in a sort of moving vehicle. But, it was not a typical vehicle. Because there was a lot of seating space. It was a furnished space but it was moving. I was there. I was with someone. A girl. And some relatives.
I was behaving quite affectionately with the girl. At some point, I think she's Kay. At other time, she was not. I can't recall who she was or whether I know her or not. But we were behaving like a couple. And then, a woman who was supposed to be my aunt, who was sitting behind me, asked me if we were serious about each other. She said that if we were, we should consider getting married. Then, I looked at my aunt and felt unhappy, confused and scared. I seemed to know that it's not what I wanted. I was not ready for a real relationship with this girl. I seemed to be missing someone else. I don't know who. Then, I got really upset and started to cry.
I found myself and Kay (in this scene, i'm sure it's her) at a sort of temple with my parents. I was praying for some directions in life, wondering if I should take up my aunt's suggestion that I should get married with the girl above-mentioned.
Then, after that, Kay and I were waiting for my parents to be done. She said that I could get my parents to send her home first. I told her, of course, we will. Then, she clarified in saying that what she meant was to send her to my house first. 'Home' as in my house. She said she can come to my house first. She looked cheeky. I just agreed. Even though I didn't know why she wanted to come to my house since it's been a long time since she came.
Then, my dream faded to an end.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 09:02
January 02, 2007
Dreams - My other reality
We were chatting, somewhere. Chatting like good friends do. It was a great feeling. Then, Kay looked into my eyes and said something. I can't remember the exact words but it was something along the lines of 'I don't know how long I will take (to do what? She didn't say in the dream). But if you are still not seeing someone else by then, maybe we can get back together again.'
I listened. I smiled. I don't remember the exact reply I gave. But it was something like, the future's not for us to know and it's so hard to count on the 'maybe's in life and we should just be happy for what we have now.
Then, I guess, the dream ended 'cos I don't remember anything else after this.
xxx
In another dream, I kept looking for banana cake. I kept wanting to eat banana cake but kept forgetting to buy.
So strange.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 11:23